Racing myself

Beware, there be squalls ahead...

I've really been struggling lately with my running.  After my last post Sunday night, I was determined to run 5.5 to get some distance in before the Disneyland Half Marathon in 24 days.  I set out that night but came up short.  Only 4 miles logged due to heat, weather and the inability to run on the treadmill.  Then, Tuesday morning I went for a maintenance run aimed for 3 miles but came up with only 2.  After I got home, I kind of broke down.  Then my husband reminded me something along the lines of, "You had MAJOR SURGERY 9 weeks ago.  You've only been running a year.  You've come a long way."  He's right. I know that.

And then, this all brings to mind the REASON I started all of this.  Which is here.  Which is why I keep running.  Which is why I'm going to keep running.  I'm going to keep running even if my running is never the same or if this is just some hiccup in my still-yet-short lifetime running adventure.

If I'd just remind myself, almost a year and a half ago, I was still dealing with LOTS of pain.  LOTS of discouragement from LOTS of unanswered health questions.  Now, all of those issues are gone.  I'm no Doctor and I'm no therapist, but running helped heal my physical and psychological pain.  And running continues to help with that, even though this rough running patch has been uncharted and unpleasant territory to navigate.

If I'm going to be honest with myself, I am only racing with myself.  There's no way in hell I'm racing with the front runners.  They'll finish their 26.2 miles before I'm even done with my 13.1.  More importantly, I'm not even racing with people in my sex and age group, who are more experienced and healthy than I am.  But most importantly, I'm racing against me.  

I'm racing against all the things I never would have dreamed I'd do.

I've never been athletic.  People always joked that I should be a basketball player since I'm so tall, but then they saw me trip UP the stairs and they reassessed quickly.  So, that I'm pounding the pavement at all is still other-worldly to me.  That I enjoy doing it is even weirder. That I ran THIRTEEN point freaking ONE miles and got a big shiny medal? Crazy town. That I did it again 2 months later? That I'm doing going to be doing it again 12.5 weeks after major abdominal surgery?! I may need to be checked out, cause that ain't right!  Never in my WILDEST dreams would I have thought I'd run a half marathon, much less 3 in the same year THEN start training for a full marathon!

I've never been "fit". And honestly, I'm still not.  But, I'm on the journey to getting there and running has helped me become more focused on it.  I'm more fit than I was 1 year ago.  And a little more fit looking than was a few years ago.  I could stand to lose maybe 10 more pounds to be in my "healthy" BMI range, and then maybe another 15 to appease the insecure, unhappy chubby girl inside of me.  But another thing I need to realize: even though I'd love to have the speed, grace, gazelle-intensity and sleek body of those front-runners, my body won't conform to those standards.  I'm curvy.  I don't have to be as curvy as I am NOW, mind you, but I'm not going to be them, speed or body-wise, and that's another realization.  God made me this way, and I'll just try to be as healthy as this body will allow me to be.  So, I'm racing to get there and be as content as possible along the way.

I've never been shy about medical issues.  I think sharing helps with easing the stigma of certain ailments.  And since I'm being honest, I think running, more than any other life circumstance, pushed me to get my Hysterectomy.  It had plagued me for 14+ years but after it began impeding on my running, I knew it was the final straw.  Read my post here.  I promise, it wasn't a flippant decision, but running has changed and helped me so much, and anything that stood in the way of it would be on my short list.

I've never been one to go after huge goals.  I'm not even 100% sure what gave me the idea last spring to try to tackle the 2012 WDW Half Marathon.  But, I decided to try.  Since setting that goal, and my success with it, I've set many more goals.  Goals for my health, my running, my hobbies, my traveling, and my relationships.  Goal oriented thinking has changed my outlook!  Things aren't out of reach if you're devising a way to get there!  It may take you a while, but with a goal and a plan, that's where you're headed!

So, with that, I've realized, I'm not even racing.  Don't get me wrong, it's still technically called a "race" but I'm not on the track to beat anyone.  And unfortunately, my competitive ego needs that reminder.  I'm on the track to run.  To run for me.  To run to reach MY goals.  To reach my goal of completing the task I've been working towards, in this case, a full 26.2 mile marathon.  Yes, I would like my speed to improve, but that's a goal I've set, a "want to improve if I can" kind of thing.  And now that I've given myself this public reminder of why I do this, I need to keep doing it, put the ego back on the shelf and put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

 "In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that." 
-Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder